Cooking With Delia

Now, what you really need first is a spoon.
Not a fork or toothpick; you’d be a loon
To think either of those would do the trick,
So try not to be quite so fucking thick.
You’ll also need a cooker of some kind.
I think Agas are lovely, but don’t mind
If they’re too expensive for filth like you;
Any old rusty camping stove will do,
Or, for total scumbags, an open fire.
The sole ingredient you require
Is, of course, some finest quality skag;
Make sure you don’t buy from any old hag
Or hobo. You should be prepared to steal
If you don’t have enough to close the deal.
Getting hold of the best can be a chore
(Sadly, Sainsbury’s don’t yet have it in store),
But as impurities can fuck you up,
It’s worth it. You might also want a cup
Of water at hand, and a towel, in case
You start being sick all over the place.
You’ll definitely need a syringe, which
I like to re-use at Christmas for rich
Fruity cakes to be laced with lots of booze
And LSD to beat those winter blues.
A belt’s the other must-have piece of kit.
As soon as you’re ready, you heat the shit,
And when it’s all nice and hot and bubbly
(Or as Del Boy would say, ‘lovely jubbly’),
Into the syringe it goes, just like that.
Once it’s cooled, belt up and select a fat,
Throbbing vein about halfway up your arm,
Take the needle (it won’t do any harm)
And gently stick it in. Not long to go
Before you feel the hit, but take it slow;
No need to rush that perfect plunger down.
And when it comes… Oh Christ, you bloody drown!
Oobyoobyaaaahh… God, that’s fucking good!
That’s a three-course meal with a wicked pud!
Whooooh there, Norwich! What a fantastic goal!
I’m a sparkly mole in a sparkly hole!
I’m naked, swimming in a silver lake!
Well… that’s that… time for lemon drizzle cake.


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