this is just to say that this is just another this is just to say rip-off

I have eaten

the plums

that were in

the icebox


and which

you were probably


for breakfast


I have also eaten

the cheese potato salad

yogurt tiramisu

cucumber grapes

and most of the olives


I have left you some



Forgive me

valued lecturer

for I am the vice-chancellor

working to keep

our sector competitive


Nobel Clerihews

George Bernard Shaw

Thought dawdling a bore.

‘There’s nothing quite sadder;

Now fetch me my ladder.’


Eugene O’Neill

Made love to a seal

On the deck of a schooner.

The result was Oona.


José Saramago

Was placed under embargo

When he said a joined-up Iberia

Would make people cheerier.


Günter Grass

Had a musical arse,

Which, prompted by pain,

Would fart ‘Lili Marleen’.


Doris Lessing

Bathed in French dressing.

Fingers were crossed

When her salad was tossed.

change lobsters

just watch those lobsters jive

cavorting up on deck

bopping a danse macabre

in their potted discotheque


as we caper in our kitchens

they’ll go waltzing while we whisk

our friends the kind crustaceans

will salute us as we frisk

we’ll clap their claws

in loud applause

as they boogie twist and tango

but the greatest thrill

is the lobster quadrille


with a slice of mango


dancing on the boiling sand

dining deep beneath the sea

with claw in claw and hand in

hand with some for you and

more for me


take your places

form a line

the music’s about to

start throw your partners

into the brine

and tear their limbs apart


up the cry goes

change lobsters

and run

for nobody knows

when the dancing is done

and nobody knows

if it’s even begun


so pass the spoon me

hearties pass the spoon

to me

it’s far too late for supper

but it’s not quite

time for tea


the table’s set most

prettily with

trumpets toads and


while fainting waiters

discourse wittily of

deaf and dainty pheasants


be sure to take a

turn or two

with each bumbler at the ball

and just before those sleepy curtains

fall SCREAM lobsters

my lobsters

I love you one

and all


I kiss your frilly tails

now rolled up in your

mouths I

marinate your hearts

with a splash of

dry vermouth


avec sauce asks

the gryphon

a tad



just a little

the mock-turtle says

and weeps

into his plate


whose side are you on

for Jonathan Jones


whose side are you on

that question again

wont leave me alone

even in the national gallery



anything but labour



im looking at tit

ian      a socialist in the museum



presumably      retiring

totally fruitless

stoppages      all out


immediately break

jeremy corbyn

all my adult life      in the past

a cynical      muscle



the case      has been made


desire      closing

worse disruption to come

nonsense      art      people

kids in the summer holidays

visitors who come      all over

a lot of ordinary people

great art


the management

savage neoliberal ideologues

i       love      its hard


down     the workers


possibly      retiring

writes      speaks


face      soft      old

oil      strike many

a long tradition

inclined      unthinkingly

rooms and rooms





the most extreme provocation

public service      i cant help

much easier



i dont think

i think

throw its weight about

i didnt think

seriously      put      out

much of my lifetime


whose side am i on

a tory      i am






A Forward-Looking Vision for a Brighter Tomorrow



Good evening. It’s an honour to be here.
People of Britain: I salute you all,
And assure you that you’ve nothing to fear.
The government has its eye on the ball.
The opposition may bluster and smear,
But my Cabinet colleagues can stand tall.
The crisis is over, good times are near.
In every village, there’ll soon be a mall.

The promises we make are ones we’ll keep.
This much I pledge: our targets will be met.
Banished forever is all cause to weep
Because anything you want, you will get.
You’ll have perfect teeth and a good night’s sleep.
Your kids will receive a free fluffy pet.
Though mountains be high and valleys be deep,
I guarantee water will remain wet.

Compassion’s our watchword. Make no mistake:
We value the old, the poor and the sick.
Because that’s why we’re advising that cake
Is a good alternative to bread. Kick
A beggar, by all means, and make him ache,
But carrot should be used as well as stick.
In exchange for a picture of a steak,
Homeless riff-raff will give your boots a lick.

Now is the time for action. What I’m told
By the normal, everyday folk I meet
Is that they expect our plans to be bold.
This much I promise: cookies will be sweet.
Never again will hot chocolate be cold.
Warm ice-cream is something no-one should eat.
Plus doctors will be sacked, hospitals sold:
For details, refer to my latest tweet.

This wonderful nation truly is blessed.
Proud is our destiny, happy our fate;
Let nobody tell you we’re not the best.
The future is coming; not long to wait.
Proles in factories, working without rest;
Slave labour for all children under eight;
Life in jail if you fail you’re grammer test.
We’re in this together. Make Britain great!